The ‘Favourite Person’ phenomena in BPD
Imagine this. You just met someone at the dog park. You instantly clicked, exchanged numbers and now you have been chatting nonstop for weeks. This person is awesome! They listen to you, give you the best advice and lots of attention. You are excited each time they reach out, and saddened each time they don’t. You notice yourself become infatuated with their every move…and you think “Crap, it’s happening again!”. This scenario is all too common for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, just ask someone who has it.
Before we jump into the ‘favourite person’ phenomena, let’s first discuss Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) more broadly. BPD is a cluster B personality disorder, characterized by fast mood changes, patterns of mood-dependant behaviours and chaotic relationships. At the core of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. It is theorized that BPD stems from a genetic sensitivity to emotion compounded with a chronically invalidating environment. It is estimated that 2-3 percent of people have BPD, although this is estimated to be much higher in some populations.
As a therapist who has treated 100’s of people with BPD, I have heard countless stories of the difficulties people face when trying to manage their world. One of the patterns that sticks out is the ‘Favourite Person’ phenomena. People with BPD tend to get infatuated with friends or romantic partners, and usually quite quickly after meeting them. They feel strongly connected to the person and there is a sense of relief “ahhh, finally! A worthwhile relationship!”. This phenomena usually differs from simply having a “best friend”, as the person starts to emotionally rely on the other. They feel a sense of home, a sense of safety, and a sense of deep validation.
Sounds nice, right? Unfortunately not. For someone with BPD, the favourite person also tends to be the person they fear will reject or abandon them the most. The fear of abandonment becomes so consuming, that the person with BPD may start acting erratically, such as making up scenarios that haven’t happened yet, or getting angry at them for things they didn’t do. The person with BPD may threatened suicide or self-harm each time they believe their favourite person is mad at them, in a great effort to prevent them from leaving. These erratic efforts may work initially, but usually end up burning the favourite person out – it can be intensely exhausting - ultimately driving them away from the relationship.
For someone with BPD, a favourite person can be anyone – a friend, family member, romantic partner, teacher and even therapist. It is someone that the person with BPD feels is consistently validating, which creates a sense of “wholeness”. The person with BPD feels hopeful that the favourite person will help regulate their emotions, and provide an anchor that they have been desperately craving. However, that sneaky fear of abandonment can swoop in and ruin it all.
As a therapist trained in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, I help clients uncover these patterns of latching on to their favourite person, and the behaviours which ultimately drive the favourite person away. We work on skills specific to making and keeping relationships that the person with BPD must embrace and practice in their lives. With repetitive skill use, the person can learn to form and foster healthier relationships that are not characterized by such “push and pull” tendencies. The person with BPD learns to tolerate rejection, accept the fact that people may leave them (and that’s part of life) and learn to communicate more effectively with the person when they want or need something.
Living with BPD is a roller-coaster, with many ineffective patterns which are inherently grained in how the person relates to others. Therapy, specifically DBT therapy, is one of the only empirically proven treatments for changing and replacing these unhelpful behaviours. Our therapists at Brookhaven Psychotherapy are trained and experienced in delivering DBT in both group and individual settings.
Learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder here
