Baby Loss…Perspective Gained
No Preparation
Baby loss is not something many people talk about. Sure, you know it happens to some people. We’ve all heard of miscarriages and been informed that they happen, but growing up it never sounded all that bad. So what? You can just try again, right? Oddly enough, we get so accustomed to worrying about getting pregnant when it’s not what we want that when the time comes where we do want to get pregnant, few of us think there is anything to worry about. It will be easy! Our bodies are meant to do this. Right? Wrong. It’s not easy. And people don’t prepare you for that.
The Happy Stories
They are all around us. New babies are born every day, and thanks to social media, the images associated are never far from sight. It’s happening for so many people, and those moments deserve to be celebrated! The little black and white ultrasound photo used as the first announcement, the pink and blue balloons of each gender reveal, the baby bump growing and, of course, those precious first moments when we learn of their name and birth weight. It’s beautiful, and the excitement is palpable. Except when it doesn’t work out. That excitement goes up in flames, the posts are quickly taken down, and notifications are silenced. The happy stories have taken a sudden turn and become one, giant nightmare. Posting on social media is far from our minds now. Why would we want to share any of this?
What Now?
Empty. Alone. Unsure.
What happened? Was it my fault? How did I have a child one minute and not the next? This is not how it was supposed to go. It’s not fair.
Who would they have become? I will never know.
Do I try again right away? What if this happens again?
I can't just carry on with life, but how do I grieve? No one will understand. I’ll have to grieve alone.
And carry on. Just. Carry. On.
A New Perspective
Maybe we're not alone. Surprisingly, there are so many of us, waiting to connect and support each other. None of us will ever be the same. We are forever changed after baby loss. Whether a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal loss, or an unexpected loss of a baby we’ve brought home, we are changed. There’s no going back.
Life looks different.
It’s easy to focus on how bad it is. It hurts beyond anything we've ever felt before. There will be days when it's all we think about. Everyone will say how sorry they are and struggle to find words. People will say we are strong, even though it feels like we are broken into a million pieces and barely hanging on. But it’s not all bad.
You do hang on, and with time, slowly, you get stronger. You begin to see things differently when you make a conscious, personal choice to not only cope, but grow. Not right away. Not all at once. Growth can happen in so many ways. Some big, some small.
The empathy for others certainly increases. Rather than being someone who struggles to find words, you can be a gentle and understanding listener, asking others to tell you more about what they’ve been through. Some will grow through a newfound appreciation for life and relationships, and search to find more meaning on the path they are travelling. Relationships will get stronger and deeper as we get more comfortable sharing about these vulnerabilities. Many will gain confidence in their ability to overcome challenges, knowing that many future challenges will feel much smaller than this. Things that would once bother us, barely phase us now. With each day, more changes in our identity can be found, and the positive changes connect us back to that baby.
Finding the Good
All of this helps us to find the good. The bad will hit us in the face, knock us off our feet, and leave us questioning everything. But as we shake it off and stand back up, the good will start peaking through. Learning to find the good and grow through pain is one of life’s biggest challenges, but most rewarding journeys. Though I’m not happy to know and feel the loss of a baby, I can find peace in focusing on all the good that baby brought in the form of growth and perspective.
