Why kids with ADHD Fib more
You’ve caught your child or teen in yet another lie. It is frustrating, feels so disrespectful, and causes chaos between you and your partner. What should you do? Use punishment? Take away screentime? Nothing seems to work.
This article looks at the reason why children and teens with ADHD may lie more and uses our current understanding of the ADHD diagnosis to help reframe lying as a self-preservation tool rather than a detrimental personality flaw. It is important to know that although lying might seem malicious and purposeful, sometimes the child may not even realize they’re doing it! This new view gives parents, teachers and therapists a different lens on how to proceed with behaviour management.
Our brains are wired to put our survival above all else. When threatened by something in our environment, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, and our primal instincts (in brain terms, our limbic system and amygdala) take over. We enter what is well known as the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response, something that has helped us and our animal ancestors, survive for millions of years. In short, we choose to fight (attack) the threat, flight (run from it) or freeze (immobilize, act dead) to increase the chances of survival. In most recent years, research has uncovered a fourth F that may be helpful when faced with a threat: “Fib”. The trouble with the fight, flight, freeze or fib (the 4 F’s) response is that in our (now) relatively safe environments, our amygdala does not know the difference between a grizzly bear (a REAL threat) and a math test. Our brains go into the four F’s even when our environments are relatively safe. We need to work hard at recognizing when our brains switch into survival mode and use coping strategies to reign in the urge to fight, flight, freeze or fib.
Fibbing protects us in many ways, and we all lie from time to time. There are many different reasons kids may lie. Firstly, it offers a layer of protection from the bad feeling of disappointing someone such as a parent or teacher, which is why children may lie about completing an assignment or stealing a cookie. Fibbing also deflects someone else’s anger, by hiding the situation before the other person gets mad. Fibbing may also buy us some time, to think about what is being questioned of us. And of most importance, fibbing helps self-preservation, our own self-esteem and relationships with others, by distracting from the reality of a mistake we made, such as hitting our little sister out of anger. We avoid guilt, shame and embarrassment from fibbing about specific situations, making us feel better about the situation.
ADHD is a condition in which executive functioning is impaired. ADHD contributes to more impulsivity, weaker inhibition, poorer working memory, and poorer emotion regulation. As such, the fight/flight/freeze/fib response is much more likely to show up and be much harder to control in people with ADHD. Fibbing is better looked as a neurological response, as opposed to a character flaw in these people.
So what can we do when our child or teen with ADHD lies to us, once again? First, try to reframe the behaviour as a symptom of the disorder. Look at the fib with curiosity and ask yourself, in this situation, what is the purpose of the fib and what is your child trying to protect? With this approach, talking to your child about their tendency to lie seems less confrontational and can be more collaborative in looking to change the habit. Set your child or teen up with opportunities to feel good about telling the truth. When a lie does slip up, give space and time for them to reflect on the reason they lied and make amends by talking about it afterwards. Remember that your child may fib unintentionally, and so holding back punishment and consequences can be helpful long-term in growing your child’s self-confidence and reduce feelings of guilt and shame around the lying response.
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