Understanding Anxious Attachment: The Roots and Effects of Insecurity in Relationships
Are you constantly feeling on edge in your relationship? Are you finding it hard to settle when your partner is away? Is it hard to concentrate on other things when your partner hasn’t yet answered your text? You many have an anxious attachment style.
Anxious attachment style is one of the three main attachment styles identified in attachment theory, which is a psychological theory that describes the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, particularly between children and their caregivers. People with an anxious attachment style tend to be preoccupied with their relationships and have a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, often to the point of anxiety and fear of abandonment.
How do I know if I have Anxious-Attachment?
People with an anxious attachment style have a deep need for connection and intimacy, but they also have a high level of anxiety and fear around being rejected or abandoned. They tend to be hypervigilant to signs of rejection, and they may interpret neutral or even positive behaviors from their partner as signs of impending abandonment. As a result, they may become clingy and demanding in their relationships, seeking reassurance and attention from their partner.
Anxious attachment style is often rooted in early childhood experiences of inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving. Children with an anxious attachment style may have experienced caregivers who were sometimes responsive and nurturing, but at other times were neglectful or unresponsive. This inconsistency can lead to a sense of unpredictability and insecurity in relationships, and the child may develop a pattern of seeking constant reassurance and validation.
How does this affect my relationship?
Anxious attachment style can have significant effects on your relationships, particularly romantic relationships. People with an anxious attachment style tend to have a high level of emotional reactivity, and they may experience intense emotions such as jealousy, anger, and fear in response to perceived threats to their relationship (for example, when your partner wants to hang out with their friends). They may also have a tendency to interpret neutral or ambiguous behaviors from their partner as signs of rejection or abandonment, leading to a cycle of seeking reassurance and validation from their partner.
Anxious attachment style can also lead to behaviors that are damaging to relationships, such as clinginess, neediness, and demandingness. People with an anxious attachment style may become overly dependent on their partner, and they may feel anxious and insecure when their partner is not physically present or is not responding to their messages or calls. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration in the partner, and may ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
How can I manage this?
If you have an anxious attachment style, it is important to recognize and manage your tendencies towards anxiety and fear of abandonment. One way to do this is through therapy, which can help you to identify the root causes of your attachment style and develop strategies for managing your emotions and behaviors in relationships. Many couples decide to do therapy together so that the partner can learn the best ways to respond and a trusting relationship can be cultivated.
Another way to manage anxious attachment style is through self-care and self-compassion. This may involve developing a mindfulness practice, engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and cultivating supportive relationships with friends and family.
It is also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your attachment style and your needs in the relationship. By being transparent about your fears and anxieties, you can work together to build a strong and secure relationship that is based on mutual trust and understanding.
Therapy for Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment style can be a challenging pattern to manage, but with self-awareness, self-care, and open communication, it is possible to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. Recognizing the root causes of your attachment style and working with a therapist or counselor - in either an individual or couples format - can help you to develop strategies for managing your emotions and behaviors, and building secure and loving relationships. With time and effort, it is possible to overcome anxious attachment style and build healthy and fulfilling relationships that are based on mutual trust and respect.
Find out more about Couples Therapy at Brookhaven here.
