The Power of Validation
What is validation?
Most of us know what being validated feels like, but often struggle to define it. In short, to validate someone means to communicate to that person that their thoughts, feelings and/or behaviours make sense given the situation and are understandable. Validation is a very powerful tool for aligning and connecting with others, diffusing arguments and conflicts, and to reduce emotional suffering, ultimately allowing for better problem solving. As parents, we sometimes jump to problem solving techniques whenever our children get stressed, because, of course…why wouldn’t we point out the obvious solution? However, in times of stress or emotional suffering, our children simply need us to listen and to hold the space for them to feel whatever it is they are feeling. When they feel validated, they will be in a clearer, better place to problem solve with you or on their own!
Ways to validate:
Validation is a lot of what you choose to say, but it also includes body language. Face towards the person, make sure you listen intently, free of distractions, nod your head and show that you are hanging on to every word they are saying. Reflect back to the person what you hear through summarizing or adding just a little to their story. Try to point out how the person must have felt in the situation they are describing (e.g. Oh wow, you must have been so upset) – if you get it wrong, that’s ok, just be open to hearing where they correct you.
Only validate the valid!
If your child has made a poor decision, don’t validate that decision, but rather find something in the equation that does make sense. Your teenager spent all their money on video games and now can’t go out with their friends to the movies? Sure, their reckless spending was not exactly the best decision, but saying so likely won’t be helpful or elicit any useful reflection. In fact, your teen will likely shut down and leave the room. So what can we do? We can validate that it must really suck to have to stay at home while all our friends go out. Saying something like “That must be really hard to see your friends go out when you can’t go, I’d probably feel upset too!”, can open the door for more conversation.
Avoid these invalidating responses:
· Skip the unsolicited advice. In other words, don’t problem solve! In general, people don’t need you to jump in and point out where they went wrong or highlight obvious solutions so it doesn’t happen again.
· Don’t make it all about you. Although relating your own experiences can be sometimes helpful, you can definitely over do it here. Only bring up your own experiences if you truly know exactly how the other person feels).
· Don’t correct the person’s thoughts or emotions (e.g. don’t say “oh you shouldn’t feel angry, that happens to everyone!” instead say “I can see why you’re mad)
· Don’t tell the person that their emotions don’t make sense or are an overreaction
· Don’t minimize the experience (e.g. “it’s not that bad, just toughen up!”
· Only try to fix the problem if the person asks you to. Wait until you get the whole story, make sure you validate along the way, and then gauge whether the person is then open to looking for solutions.
Validation is an easy, almost instant fix to many broken down relationships. By sprinkling more validation into your day to day conversations in your household, you will notice people opening up more and talking to each other about their struggles (big or small). You will also be modelling excellent relationship skills.
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