Social Media vs. Your Relationship

The numbers are staggering. Canadians are on their phones an average of 6.26 hours a day, a number that is even higher for teens and young adults. There is no denying it, a substantial body of research is uncovering significant negative effects of being on our devices, including isolation, loneliness, disrupted sleep/wake cycles, and overall poorer mental health. This article looks specifically at the effects of phone use on the quality of our romantic relationships and what we can do to reverse the damage.

You are having a conversation with your partner, laying out the plans for the weekend. Your partner grabs their phone and checks a message. You feel an instant twinge of annoyance: “Hello? Why is your phone more important than me?”

“Phubbing” is a recent phenomenon that is now being extensively researched by social scientists. Phubbing is the practice of ‘snubbing’ others by favouring your phone over people in the room. But let’s remove the judgment, we have all been there, both as victim and perpetrator. And even though phubbing has become a relatively normal part of our lives, it is helpful to understand the impacts on our relationship.

In a study of 145 adults, it was found that more phubbing in the relationship was related to lower marital satisfaction and higher levels of depression, in part because it created more conflict around cell phone use. Why is phubbing so damaging? We are born social creatures, highly in tune and deeply connected with one another. When speaking to our romantic partner, we are extremely sensitive to their body language, including posture and eye gaze. If our partner’s eyes are wandering over to their phone, we automatically feel unheard, unseen, and disrespected. Repeat this several times a day, if not hundreds, and there is a recipe for disaster in how we internalize the quality of the relationship.

Why do we phub? Get this, the latest research suggests that the urge to check social media is often stronger than the urge to have sex. Yikes! Phone addiction is alive and well, and whether we want to hear it or not, we are all addicted. Being the social creatures that we are, we look to social media for connection and intimacy, meanwhile ignoring the actual relationships that are in the room with us. What predicts more phubbing? Lack of control, fear of missing out, and of course, phone or social media addiction. Digital cocaine, anyone?

So how can we mitigate the risk of falling victim to excessive phubbing? It starts with a behavioural analysis of your day. Are you someone that looks at your phone first thing in the morning, before acknowledging your partner? What about last thing before you go to bed? Do you both have your phones at the dinner table? What about during other activities that are done together, such as making dinner or going for a walk?

Here are some possible remedies to reduce phubbing:

·      Get an old fashioned alarm clock so that your phone does not enter your bedroom. This allows for intimacy before bed and in the morning, two of the most important times of the day to strengthen your relationship.

·      Put your phones in a different room around dinner prep and meal times.

·      Zone off certain areas in your house or apartment as ‘technology free’ zones.

·      Leave the phone at home when running errands together (gasp!). Don’t think twice about it; push yourself into the uncomfortable place of not being glued to your device, learn to tolerate it.

If phubbing has become a significant problem in your relationship and you and your partner are feeling disconnected and unsatisfied with your communication patterns, a couple’s therapist can help you mitigate these challenges. Couples therapy is a way to better understand, navigate and unravel the emotional impacts of excessive technology use, and to learn new skills to reverse the damage it has caused.