Am I Co-dependant?
Relationships can be difficult to navigate at times. When a relationship starts becoming imbalanced, where one person is constantly giving, nurturing, and devoted to the partner, while the other stays on the receiving end, patterns of a dysfunctional relationship start showing. When the scales are tipped a bit too far in one direction, you may find yourself caught in a codependent relationship.
What is Co-dependency?
Codependency is a way of behaving in a relationship where you are consistently prioritizing someone else over yourself. You are usually assessing your mood based on how the other person behaves. Over time, it can become increasingly difficult to disengage yourself from this pattern. The more you focus on providing the support you believe others need, the more heavily it may weigh on you.
Although the relationship may seem mutually beneficial at the beginning, where it feels nice knowing you’re being supportive and contributing to someone else’s successes and happiness, it is an unhealthy habit in the long-run. You can start to lose sight of your own values, responsibilities, and needs – ultimately chipping away at your own identity and self-compassion.
Three Signs of a Codependent Relationship
1. You Pay More Attention to your Partner’s Feelings Than Your Own
In a codependent relationship, one of the partners often takes the role of the ‘caretaker’. You step in to pick up the pieces, trying to guide them along the way to more positive situations. You find yourself bending over backwards to see your partner succeed. You are wildly in-tune with your partner’s feelings, often at the expense of ignoring your own emotions. Things bottle up, and you notice you are irritable and anxious most of the time.
2. You Avoid Self-Care Routines and Hate Being Alone
Codependency makes it extra hard for you to distance yourself from your partner. You may find it difficult to find the motivation to do activities you previously loved doing independently (like, going to a mall or out to eat). You may notice that your own satisfaction or overall happiness is dependant on how many “things” you did that week with your partner, or you may notice intense jealousy when your partner chooses to go out without you. It may be hard for you to engage in self-care activities, such as relaxation or exercise, because of the hyper-focus on your partner’s wellbeing.
3. You Want to Change Who They Are
Your partner enjoys going out to restaurants or pubs for enjoyment. You, on the other hand, prefer to stay at home and enjoy a nice movie. If you’re staying at home and hope to eventually convince your partner to do the same, or forcing yourself into an uncomfortable activity in hopes they might give up their way of life eventually, you may be showing signs of codependency. This is often coupled with the desire to “save” your partner from who they are, or in other words, an intense desire to “fix” the other person’s flaws. This is complicated, as codependency will make you feel as though your lack of trying is the reason your partner is continuing to struggle in whatever areas.
How Do You Stop Being Codependent?
There are a variety of healthy ways to work with your partner to restore balance back into your relationship. Remember, it takes effort from both individuals to achieve results.
Firstly, it is important to acknowledge what is happening in your relationship and work to create one where each person can stand on their own two feet. Check in with yourself, your friends, and family, to ask “How am I feeling about myself?”. Friends and family members may recognize something is wrong before you see it yourself!
Setting healthy boundaries where both individuals are communicating openly and listening to one another can be a necessary step in truly understanding each other. If each individual in the relationship takes responsibility for their own actions and understands the consequences of them, it can help reduce overall anxiety about the other person. It is important to check-in with each other every once in a while, to ensure you or your partner haven’t crossed a boundary that leads to an uncomfortable situation.
Like any mental or emotional health issue, treatment for codependency requires time and effort. Individual or couple’s therapy can be very helpful for people who are in codependent relationships. The steps it takes to stop being codependent on another person are not easy, but are well worth the effect to help both parties discover how to be in a balanced, two-sided relationship. Remember, your happiness does not exist within another person, it only can be found within yourself. Being able to learn to love your own self-worth will impact the health of your relationships in drastic ways.
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